Saturday, June 28, 2008

while my lemonade gently cools

'When the sun's coming up/I got cakes on the griddle. Life ain't nothing but a funny, funny riddle.'
-John Denver, 'Thank God I'm a Country Boy'

At the breakfast table
I sometimes like to
name my pancakes
before I eat them.
The last pancake
I ate was Squishtopher.
The pancake before that
was Flat Tony.
I'm going to call my
next pancake
Level Knievel.
And I'm going to
wear a blindfold
while I'm
devouring it
as a salute
to his bravery.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

American loons

You know, America has produced more than its fair share of first-rate nutcases, but in my mind no one was crazier than that first group of astronauts that packed up and set sail for the moon. Where does anyone find the courage to do something like that? They must have been frickin' insane! That's the only logical explanation. What did we know about the moon then? Nothing! Nothing!!

What if it would have been made out of glue? Sticky Elmer's-like glue? Can you imagine what Neil Armstrong's radio transmission back to earth would have been like in that case?

"That's one small step for--"
"That's one sm--"
"Houston, we have a problem."

I get queasy just thinking about it.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Take that, Bazooka Joe!

So awhile back at this job I used to have, one of my co-workers came in to work really late. I was standing there talking to the boss when he walked in. My co-worker then explained to both of us that someone had stolen the wheels off his car, and that was why he was late. He was really angry about it, naturally.

Not missing a beat, I said, "Well, I've always said you were a tireless worker!"

He proceeded to kick me in the balls.

I couldn't say I blamed him.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

it's me again

I simply had to share this: I was zipping down Interstate 494 after work today and as I was toodling along, I noticed a car about to merge into traffic off to my immediate right. As it happened, we synced up perfectly. And I could tell the guy in this other car wanted to get into my lane and he could tell that I wanted to get over to his lane -- so I could exit. For just the briefest of moments, at roughly 35 MPH, we locked eyes, studying each other keenly with an open, shared and bitter contempt. It was fleeting, as I said, but for that one second I felt like we had a real connection. That doesn't happen between strangers very often in our society these days. And when it does happen, it's special.

I don't care what anyone says.

(Thus this supplemental post).

Saturday, June 14, 2008

the perfect song

For me, the perfect song has yet to be written. Many, many songs are near-perfect, but not one has been written yet -- that I'm aware of -- which meets my benchmarks that would qualify it as the perfect song. My benchmarks are thus; the song would have to mention these three things: coffee, California and the moon.

A few bands have come close. The Counting Crows' nailed two of my benchmarks on their song 'Daylight Fading'. There are some lovely lyrics in this song and there was a time where it would have made my list. I just don't think it's held up quite well enough, though. Still, this lyric never fails to fire my blood: It's getting cold in California, I guess I'll be leaving soon..

Why does that do it for me? Well, as I've told you before, California intrigues me to no end. Each time I've been there, I've detected a funky energy I've felt nowhere else on this planet. This energy is not entirely positive. There's something dangerous about it too. Dare I say mystical? I think I do. Anyway, it has a very slight hold on me. Getting back to the song, why is it getting cold in California? That's something I want to know. Plus the guy is getting ready to do something. Action is imminent. All of the elements of a really good story -- except for some sex and a coffee reference -- are right here. So let's give that song Honorable Mention. And move on.
I get a kick out of Adam Duritz. I remember reading a very short interview with him in Rolling Stone back when and the interviewer lobbed out about 8 questions. The only one that Duritz really reacted to was the mention of Mr. Burns (from The Simpsons). At this he raised his eyebrows and smiled. That made me laugh.

There's a lot to be said for keeping your mouth shut.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

in which I interview myself

Q. This is even more stupid than your usual ideas.

A. I agree.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

the man in the mirror

"People are crazy and times are strange, I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range/I used to care, but..'
-Bob Dylan 'Things Have Changed' *Another song for the list.

My posts about having guests over kind of struck a chord with me. Over the years, I've noticed that a fair number of people seem to like me. I'd say about 71% like me just fine upon meeting me. Another 25% are fairly indifferent (these numbers level out over time, believe me) and the remaining 4% tend to despise me. They don't just dislike me, they seem to actively loathe me. I've always been fascinated by these people the most. We have so much in common! Can't we all just get along? :-)

Okay, I'm kidding there, but I've always found those people very interesting. Anyway, and I've been thinking about this, I think the reason the people who do like me mainly like me because I'm safe. They know when they're over visiting and I walk into the bathroom, there's a 99.43% chance I won't come out of the bathroom wearing a leather hood. That's important in today's modern world. You'd be surprised how many times that will happen in your day to day life.


You have no idea how many times I've stared at myself in the bathoom mirror, wearing my leather hood, and thought, 'No. The time just isn't right.'

It's that eternal struggle we all face, eh? And I know you know what I'm talking about.

Okay, that's about it for today. Yeah, that'll do.