Wednesday, November 26, 2008

new invention

I haven't much time to write about. However, when a person invents something that's going to change the world, well, that deserves at least a short blurb on one's blog. That's what I say.

So in that spirit, America -- World -- I would like to unveil a concept that's going to change life as we know it. It's Trou Master 6000. I'm not going to go into too much detail. But I'm sure you know what I mean when I say after a hard day's work the last thing a person wants to do is waste time and energy removing their pants. It's like, enough's enough. And I'm sure we've all had this thought: "Isn't there some kind of machine that can do this for me?!"

Well, now there is. At least on the drawing board. The prototype for The Trou Master 6000, though promising, removed a fairly large chunk of skin off the top of my upper thigh ( i.e. there are some kinks that need to be worked out). Still, the day is coming, my friends. True relaxation will soon be at hand!

Speaking of large chunks of skin off the top of one's thighs, Thanksgiving is only one day away! Hurrah!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Doug Kenney was The Stork

When it comes to comedy, I consider myself a big fan. I know of a lot of comics/humorists and I have a pretty fair idea of how modern American comedy has evolved. Basically, it went like this: First there was Laurel and Hardy (though with names like those they were probably British), then there was Abbott and Costello (The Who's on First guys), then Lenny Bruce came along. Eventually, he died.

From there, the baton was splintered into loving shivs and handed off to a number of different folks. One of those folks was Doug Kenney. Doug Kenney is/was this largely unknown comedic genius. He ran The National Lampoon for a time, he co-wrote 'Animal House' and co-wrote -- and, I believe, produced -- 'Caddyshack.' The National Lampoon, back in the day, was cutting edge stuff. It pushed the boundaries of American-o comedy way out there, along with troupes like Second City and Lemmings. When he was bought out of his share of the Lampoon, Kenney and his cohorts were paid millions of dollars. And Caddyshack and Animal House are as big as they come when it comes to classic comedies. If you're a male in this country between the ages of 18 and 75, you'd better be prepared to quote liberally from both of those movies - or risk being shunned!

So you would think he would have considered his life a success, right? NRRRRT!!! From what I've read, Doug Kenney considered his life a failure. Apparently, he'd always wanted to be a serious novelist. Or at least write a serious novel. And because he hadn't done that, and because he was getting older (he was 32 when he died), he considered his life a failure.

No one really knows whether his death was an accident or a suicide. He fell off a 30-foot cliff in Hawaii, and that was that. Fellow humorist (and friend of Kenney's) Harold Ramis joked that Kenney probably fell to his death while 'looking for a place to jump.' That's dark humor. But knowing Kenney like he did, I'm guessing he felt Kenney would have approved. Or if not approved, at least laughed. Michael O'Donoghue, who also worked on the Lampoon, said he wished Doug Kenney had been shaking Chevy Chase's hand when he fell. Kind of dark, too, yes? Well, sometimes comedy's no laughing matter.

Anyway, while watching Animal House recently (for the 527th time), I noticed in the credits that Doug Kenney was actually in that movie. He was The Stork! And he had only one line of dialogue. He's the guy who, when the chips are down for the boys from Delta, says to John Belushi, 'Well, what are we s'posed to do, you mo-ron?'

Yup, that was Doug Kenney, folks, telling it like it is. And the question he asked is a question that still resonates today.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

melancholy baby

'Well, a person can work up a mean, mean thirst/after a hard day/of nothing/much at all.'
The Replacements, 'Here Comes a Regular'

A Little Something to tuck in your hat
November is the
of all -- and
the most

Bonus Poem (for Cagney and Lacey)
the answer,
the clues
the mysteries.

Monday, November 10, 2008

the Lord giveth, and..

by George, I think I've..

This is my last post having to do with religion for awhile. Frankly, I'm out of ideas. That particular brand of fuel is burned up - fumes. But I do have one more trick in my hat. An idea that may well catapult me to fame and for-tune (four-tune). Are you ready for it? Here it is: Biblical Monopoly. How about that?

We take the famous Parker Bros board game, and, do we modernize it? No. What we do is take it back in time. That's right; back in time. And then we sell it to the public and donate 10% of the prophets -- I mean, profits -- to charity.

If you're having trouble getting your head around this concept, maybe this will help you put it into perspective. Instead of the 'Get Out of Jail' free card, my game would have a 'Get Out of Whale' free card. You know, like Jonah.

Let your mind run with that for a bit. You know it wants to.

Sunday, November 09, 2008


"Jesus rides beside me."
- The Replacements, 'Can't Hardly Wait'

First of all, Can't Hardly Wait is a really good song. My favorite lyrics go like this; 'Jesus rides beside me/he never buys/any smokes..' Then right after that, there's this little snakebite guitar lick I wish like heck I could learn how to play. Perhaps in some other life.

Here in this life, things are pretty good. My post yesterday got me thinking a bit about religion. I'm not an overly religious person, but I do have my beliefs -- and my practices. For instance, I remember hearing once that when you're driving you should imagine Jesus is riding beside you. And what I took that to mean is that you should always drive as if Jesus is right there, watching you. That kind of creeped me out, though, so I put my own spin on it: my approach was, you (and by you I mean me) should drive as though Jesus's personal safety were resting on your (my) shoulders. So that's what I tried first. But then I noticed I was still driving a bit more aggressively than perhaps I should have been (this was four years ago, back when I was a lot younger). So THEN what I decided to do was this: I started pretending that Jesus was in the passenger seat holding an open can of paint. This approach has worked pretty well. It's definitely brought about results. I mean, I think part of it is I'm more mature as a person. But the thought of that paint splashing the interior of my car...well, it does give one pause. I have to say, it's made me a much better driver.

Don't get me wrong, though. There are still times when I'll look to my right and say, "Buckle up, Jesus. And watch that paint. We're about to attempt a fairly high-risk manuever here."

He's a passenger in my car, after all. I figure he has a right to know.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

messages from on high

Yesterday while dinking around with my blog, I almost deleted it by accident -- twice. It was SO close. One click of the mouse and this blog would have been digital dust. The way it happened like that, two times in two minutes...I think God wants me to delete this blog.

Not only that, but last night while watching TV, I saw back to back KFC commercials.

I think God wants me to eat a whole bucket of chicken sometime soon. I almost feel like he's daring me.

Obviously, I've got a lot to think about today.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

one more wow for the road

I'm still shaking my head and this stupid grin is still plastered to my face. A Presidential candidate I voted for actually won. That hasn't happened in...12 years! That's a long time. That's a lot of water under the bridge, my friends, and, as Bob Dylan sings so ominously on the song 'Things Have Changed, 'a lot of other stuff, too..' Anyway, I'm very pleased. This is like West Wing. But for real!!

If you watched West Wing, did you know that the guy they modeled Bradley Whitford's character on was named Barack Obama's Chief of Staff today? Talk about life imitating art imitating life! My head is spinning..

Finally, some attitude.

So there
give me
a headache.
-- Antelope don't read!