Thursday, February 12, 2009

husband and wifi

'Happy Birthday/whose ever birthday/it is today.'
- The Replacements, 'Asking Me Lies'

A lot of people say things like, 'If I could go back in time I'd..' Then they usually finish that thought by relating a short narrative wherein they use their new-found time-traveling ability go back in time and prevent some tragedy or disaster from happening.

Not me. If I could go back in time I'd steal Abe Lincoln's hat. Then I'd come back to the present and sell it on e-Bay.

I've even got what I consider to be a fairly sound plan in place to get my hands on his lid. What I would do first -- when I went back in time -- would be to get a mid-level government job. I'd probably be a liaison to the Dutch consulate or something like that. I'd maintain a fairly high profile around the Capitol, making sure to bump into Abe Lincoln from time to time. We'd start out with short nods of acknowledgment and then soon graduate to pleasant hellos. Eventually I'd get to the point where I'd ask about his wife and children. From there, a dinner engagement would be practically inevitable.

After the proper arrangements were made, I would be sure to greet him and his family at the door, with a firm handshake and a hearty smile, and I would say, 'Mr. President, thank you for coming to my humble abode. Let me take your hat.' And take his hat I would.

Then when it came for the Lincolns to leave, I'd be like, 'A hat? I don't remember you wearing a hat, Mr. Lincoln. Are you sure you wore one here? Really? That's funny. Come to think of it, I don't recall ever seeing you in a hat. Are you feeling alright, sir?'

From there, the song just plays itself -- and it's money in the bank!


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