Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Holiday Christmas Wishes

Approximately 1 billion years ago, when the universe was still cooling like a pie on someone's window sill, I had a pen name I used -- Henry Rifle. Catchy, huh? Though I no longer use that pen name, each year I still write a Holiday letter from his (my) sandblasted perspective.

So if you like it, thanks! And if you don't like it, blame him.

Songs for the day -- that's right; songs! -- #187: 'California Stars' by Billy Bragg and Wilco, #188: 'American Pie' by Don McLean, #189: 'Into The Groove' by Madonna, and #190: 'Right On Track' by The Breakfast Club. That's probably a fairly weak entry, but it's a song I've always liked. So...there. That will teach you.

Holiday Christmas Wishes
Vol. 6
From the desk of Henry J. Rifle

Dearest Chums,

It’s beginning to look a bunch like Christmas, which can only mean it’s time to haul out the old Smith-Corona, a full bottle of Hennessy and see what we can see.

What else is there to say about the year 2007 except that it was unfortunate? -- Another largely unmitigated disaster in a long string of them. I’m telling you, I knew when El Presidente’ Jorge’ #2 took the wheel that we were in for a thoroughly unpleasant ride, but now I think I’m really beginning to understand how my dates must have felt back in my younger days. Yes, I think I can imagine what must have been going through their minds when they got in the car with me, looked me squarely in the eye and said, ‘This is really going to suck, isn’t it?’ I would respond by nodding gravely before flipping on the AM radio to catch the cattle futures report.

But the great part about those horrific dates is that they eventually came to a merciful conclusion, and that’s what’s also great about our American political process: as bad as it gets, the end will come, my friends, and it’s not far away now. Before too terribly long, another candidate will vault to power and then they will be free to run this country into the ground as they see fit. That’s the miracle of freedom, fellow citizens. That’s democracy in action.

The important thing is we’re still here. And as long as we’re still here, there’s still hope. Candidates will come and go. The fortunes of political parties will rise and fall like the market, but we’re the ones paying the bills and the freight.
The trick is to not take it all too seriously. Who knows? Perhaps one day a woman or a man will come along with some real answers to the multitude of problems we face – like immigration, for instance. Now that’s a real problem! To hear some people talk, you would think that no one should be able to enter this country. I think that’s a great idea!
In fact, I think we should replace the Statue of Liberty with the Statue of Mr. T. Same size as the S.O.L., same concept, except instead of welcoming foreigners to our shores, the inscription at the base of this statue would say, ‘I pity the fool that tries to get into this country!’ There could even be a button hopeful immigrants could push and Mr. T’s recorded voice would boom out over Ellis Island -- so that it’s an interactive experience.

My viewpoint on this matter might surprise some people because my ancestors were immigrants. We arrived here sometime around the early part of the 20th Century. We would have gotten here a lot sooner, but my great-great grandpa had an irrational fear of large women. He caught sight of the Statue of Liberty from the boat and he lost it! He didn’t stop screaming until they got him back to Norway. Well, it’s all cold water under the Brooklyn Bridge now.

Anyway, Happy Holidays! All the best to you and yours,

Henry J.


Blogger blackcrag said...

I like Henry J. Rifle. I'm glad he only writes once a year as too much of him might be depressing but he has some points.

11:47 PM  
Blogger Just Dan said...

That's a very cogent analysis, BC. You have wicked insight, my friend.

I'm going to roll out a poll based on your suggestion in a day or two here. Stay tuned!

3:41 AM  
Blogger Missy said...

Ho ho ho Henry J. I don't know what to say, you said it all today.


7:24 AM  

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